I am writing this week from an AirBnB that (in any location) would easily be my dream house. But this one is extra special, because it's on the Big Island in Hawaii, where yesterday, Patrick and I got married.
Getting married is, of course, not just a happy occasion, but also a serious one. In some ways, doubly so, since it is the second time each of us have done it. And, true to form, before meeting each other, both of us swore we'd never do it again.
As I was writing my vows to exchange on the beach at sunset last night, I kept finding myself thinking about all of the mistakes I made the first time I got married. A list, I assure you, that is too long and mortifying to share -- ranging from cowardly decisions to unchecked ego. But in the process, I realized there were some vows I needed to make to myself before we stood in front of an officiant and exchange leis with each other in front of my beloved Pacific Ocean.
THOUGHTS lead to EMOTIONS which lead to BEHAVIOR
One of the most important things I got out of my coaching training is the relationship from thoughts to feelings to behavior. If you want to change your behavior, you need to dig under it to get to the drivers. When I look back at the things I consider my biggest (and sometimes most embarrassing mistakes), they almost all stem from unhelpful thoughts I clung to, that led to counterproductive emotional responses, which manifested in damaging behavior.
WORDS matter more than THOUGHTS I keep to myself
I can think or feel whatever I want, but as long as I watch what I actually SAY, we'll be fine. One of the truly horrible things about a deteriorating relationship is that respect can erode before you realize it. But the idea that you can hide that is actually laughable. You can't feel contempt or even indifference to someone and mask that for long. No one is that good an actor. And they will know, and it's only a matter of time before that is mirrored back at you. You can't be genuinely kind to someone you have hostile thoughts about.
Being RIGHT is more important than being KIND
One of the really crappy things we teach "smart kids" is that it's important to be RIGHT. And, even worse, the zero sum nature of being RIGHT often pits us against others who then must be WRONG. We are so often rewarded for this mentality in school and sports (and later in work), and it can become a very validating drug. So how is that supposed to work in a relationship?
It doesn't.
When your goal is to be right, you can't really listen and understand. Be curious. And think of the fight as a test. Are you siding with your partner to conquer a mutual challenge, or are you putting on boxing gloves and going toe-to-toe with the person you are supposed to love to prove that you are right? I know what I did last time. I also know that I will do whatever I can to choose differently this time.
I am a SINGLE PERSON who just happens to be MARRIED
During my first marriage, the thought about myself that was the biggest obstacle I didn't acknowledge was that I always, ALWAYS thought of myself as a single person, first and foremost -- and, as a result, I always acted that way. I never felt like we were a family, and so I never behaved like we were one. I was unfair in this above all other things.
To a large extent, I am still mystified at how, why and when that changed in my head. Yet it did. And now I can see how starkly critical that shift really is. We are a family. And I think of us that way. I will often joke with him that he 'domesticated me' when I wasn't looking. And while I'm not sure that's quite how it happened, I am sure that it did. And it matters.
Rest assured, there are a bunch of other things that I have long-since swore I have learned from hindsight but most of them follow a similar pattern. A friend of mine refers to his first marriage as his 'starter marriage.' That phrase makes me both cringe and giggle in equal measure. But it's also a pretty useful way to look at it.
But when I look back at the 32-year-old version of myself who made so many choices she regretted long before her 40th birthday, I am profoundly grateful that -- despite how expensive those lessons may have felt at the time -- it was only through some pretty massive fuck-ups that I feel like I can do this time what I was absolutely incapable of doing last time.
Standing opposite someone and truly meaning it when I say, "I do."
